Thoughts about Your Divorce Day

Just as each marriage is unique, so is each divorce. Your reaction to the final legal decree will vary from that of others going through this process. Your feelings will be based on your own special circumstances and will depend upon a number of factors:

  • How reconciled you are to the divorce.
  • How much time has passed between the filing of the original papers and the final day.
  • How much acrimony still exists with your spouse.
  • How much rebuilding of your own life you have already done.

Divorce Day can bring about a myriad of feelings, ranging from extreme sadness to exuberant joy to calm indifference. By knowing yourself and your own feelings about your situation, you can predict, to some degree, how you will feel.

Here are some tips for preparing for your day in court:

  • Make a trial run the day before so you know how to get there and where to park.
… View Full Article → “Thoughts about Your Divorce Day”

When Our Adult Children Divorce

As an adult who weathered through a divorce proceeding within the past thirteen (13) years, I was the product of an “intact family” having parents who were married for more than 54 years.  Like most young women, I was “socialized” into thinking that I would grow up, meet Prince Charming, fall in love, get married, and “live happily ever after”!  Unfortunately, that dream of many young women has become more of a myth than a “true-to-life” fairy tale as our divorce rate approaches or exceeds 50% for first time marriages.  Nevertheless, I was hopeful that my two children would not be negatively affected by their parents’ divorce as they were not toddlers anymore.  When my divorce actually took place, both children had graduated from college and were living independently.

When my son advised us that he was going to become engaged, we were thrilled for him.  They seemed to be so happy and so in love with one another.… View Full Article → “When Our Adult Children Divorce”

Consider the Impact of Divorce on Your Adult Children

It’s a misconception that when parents divorce it doesn’t affect adult children. It is important to remember that our children may be adults (and even may have experienced divorce themselves), but they are still children of both parents. In going through divorce, many parents “lean” on their children, making them into confidantes and, sometimes, surrogate spouses. Children, even adult children, are uncomfortable with details of their parents’ personal life. Confiding to a child about a parent’s indiscretions puts the child in a no-win situation. Many of the adult children I have spoken with say that they are shocked and angry by their parents’ behavior. But as the child, they continue to want the relationship. Giving adult children inappropriate information puts them in a quandary – how to have a relationship with a parent who may have behaved terribly in marriage without feeling disloyal to the other parent? Children are entitled to have a relationship with each parent that is not based on that parent’s performance as a spouse.… View Full Article → “Consider the Impact of Divorce on Your Adult Children”

Coping with Difficult Behavior

Throughout life, we sometimes encounter difficult people. We may argue with them, fall silent, comply or take distance. In a divorce, particularly an acrimonious one, difficult behaviors abound. No one is on their best behavior under this amount of stress. Figuring out how to cope with difficult behavior is a bit easier once you can identify why a person behaves in a certain way and what he/she hopes to accomplish. Here is a list of the most common behaviors that frustrate us all and suggestions for dealing with them:

The Bully – uses temper tantrums to overwhelm you; makes insulting and cutting remarks. Needs to feel superior and not lose control of the situation. Wants to get his/her own way.

*Stand up, listen, do not attack back, and take time-outs. Keep to the agenda.

The Complainer – gripes about everything incessantly. Needs to keep looking like a victim, does not take any responsibility, tries to bring others down to make her/himself look/feel better.… View Full Article → “Coping with Difficult Behavior”

Adjustment Tips: Do You Have a Child Living in Two Homes?

Through the divorce process, children deal with many changes. One of the most significant adjustments children have to make is living in two homes. Even if a child visits one parent for a few hours a week, the child should feel at home there. This helps foster connection with the non-custodial parent and helps the child to recognize that the non-custodial parent didn’t “divorce” him/her. Issues of abandonment and rejection are paramount for children of all ages, although the young ones can’t express it and the older ones either won’t or they “act out.” Creating a sense of belonging in both homes assists the child in making a healthy transition. Many children actually enjoy having two homes because they get special attention; often have two birthday parties and two sets of Christmas or Chanukah gifts.

Here are some tips to help children adjust:

  • The child should have her own room. If this isn’t possible, she should have her own space in a room – her own dresser drawer, a toy bin, some shelves.
… View Full Article → “Adjustment Tips: Do You Have a Child Living in Two Homes?”

What and How to Tell Your Children About Your Divorce

One of the most difficult things you will ever have to do as a parent is tell your children that their parents are breaking up. It is important that you shift your focus from your loss to your children’s loss. Divorce is about the dissolution of a husband-wife relationship. It marks a change in the parent-child relationship. Staying aware of this difference will help you effectively support your children. In talking with your children, stay focused on their feelings about this experience. If you focus on the spousal relationship, your own feelings may get in the way of good parenting.

Here are some tips for explaining the divorce to your children:

  • If possible, both parents should be present. This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.
  • Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out. Telling them months in advance doesn’t “prepare them.”
… View Full Article → “What and How to Tell Your Children About Your Divorce”

12 Proactive Steps to Take If You Are Contemplating Divorce

Jason C. Brown, the publisher of the Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog, recently posted a very practical article outlining some important steps to take if you are anticipating filing a divorce action. I am grateful that he has allowed me to repost it here. I concur with his wise “nuts and bolts” type suggestions. Remember the old adage, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  Plus, this “ounce of prevention” might well save you thousands of dollars in attorney fees!

Once you break the news of your desire to dissolve your marriage, interesting things may start happening at your house. Critical records and valuable items of personal property may suddenly vanish. It pays to be proactive to ensure that you have all the information you will need to move forward as efficiently as possible.

The wasted time and cost associated with hunting down missing documentation can be staggering.… View Full Article → “12 Proactive Steps to Take If You Are Contemplating Divorce”

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