Summer Vacations and the Divorced Family

Divorced Family During Summer Vacations? How To Get through The Downtime

“As I watched my children wait at the window for their father to arrive, I couldn’t believe the flood of feelings I experienced,” Julie, thirty-eight, a divorced mother of two boys, seven and nine, explained. “Their father is taking them to New York with his girlfriend. Her parents own a large summer house in the Adirondacks. She has six brothers and sisters, all married with children. They are all coming this week for a family reunion.”

“As an only child raised in a large city, I never had this kind of experience. I am excited for my children that they can have all these new people in their lives. They will get the experience of a large family. I find myself wishing that I could give them such an experience. I wonder if they will love this new family more than they love me.… View Full Article → “Summer Vacations and the Divorced Family”

Divorce: Welcome to the Roller Coaster!

How To Ride Out The Roller Coaster Of Emotions During The Pain Of Divorce

Nothing toys with our emotions like the break-up of a relationship. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the six stages of grief as:

  1. Shock
  2. Denial
  3. Bargaining
  4. Anger
  5. Sadness
  6. Acceptance

When one is going through divorce, add another feeling: FEAR.   During divorce, it is possible to feel all of these things at the same time. This deluge of emotions can complicate how the person sees, thinks and feels about the issues thus distorting their perspective when faced with a mountain of decisions.

In contrast to the above list, here are a few more (sometimes surprising) feelings people going through divorce may experience:

  • Relief
  • Joy
  • Empowerment
  • Exhilaration
  • Freedom

“Am I going crazy? How can I feel all these things, many of them conflicting at the same time?” divorcing clients often ask. No, you are not going crazy. You are going through transition.… View Full Article → “Divorce: Welcome to the Roller Coaster!”

Twelve Step Programs – Debunking the Myths

Exposing The Eight Most Common Arguments For Not Attending Twelve Step Programs

As an alcohol and drug abuse counselor, I work with many people who are struggling with addiction or substance abuse. Whether you are the one struggling or you have a loved one who is battling the disease, I always recommend a Twelve Step Program. Unfortunately, I am almost always met with resistance. Much of that resistance comes from misconceptions about what Twelve Step Programs are all about, so I will address some of the biggest myths here. These are the eight most common arguments I hear for not attending Twelve Step meetings. (For brevity and clarity, I am using the terms alcoholic and addict interchangeably. When I use the terms “alcohol” or “drugs”, you can substitute any addiction- including gambling. pornography, prescription or illicit drugs.)

  1. Twelve Step Programs are a cult or religion. I know this because they all meet in churches and are very secretive.
… View Full Article → “Twelve Step Programs – Debunking the Myths”

Thanksgiving Anxiety? Don’t Let Divorce Ruin Your Thanksgiving Day!

Tips On How To Make Thanksgiving Day Work For You After Divorce

Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children.

Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forget your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday at home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do!

Or, here is what Evelyn did; she prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner for herself of her favorite foods. She set the table with linen and candles and put on music she liked. Then she enjoyed the day celebrating by herself.

Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you.… View Full Article → “Thanksgiving Anxiety? Don’t Let Divorce Ruin Your Thanksgiving Day!”

Divorce: How To Choose And Manage Your Battles

10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Taking Divorce Legal Action

The dissolution of their marriage offers the opportunity for each partner to stand up for themselves in a way they had not before. Bravo! Finding your voice and learning assertiveness skills can create better relationships with others while assisting you in getting what you need.

Sometimes though, in our desire to not let ourselves be hurt or abused again, we may become inflexible and unwilling to give in on anything. If we become rigid, we cross the line into aggressive behavior. This new contentious behavior can backfire. In the realm of divorce, it can create additional problems such as higher legal bills, increased acrimony with our ex, tension with our kids and conflict in our daily lives.

Rolling over and acquiescing to everyone and everything isn’t the answer either. We must learn to choose our battles; it’s old advice, but good advice.… View Full Article → “Divorce: How To Choose And Manage Your Battles”

Minimalization: How We Accept the Unacceptable

Minimalization: Accepting the Unacceptable

Minimalization: A Case Study of Jane

Jane was married for twenty five years. Her husband filed for divorce, and Jane struggled to understand what happened. “Disappointed,” was Jane’s response when I queried as to how she felt. Over and over she spoke of her disappointment.

Jane was diagnosed with depression during the marriage. She shut down emotionally. She was not accessible to her husband or children. I asked her if she was happy in the marriage. “Not really, but life is hard.” Her husband, a dominant, verbose guy, didn’t like to hear Jane’s complaints, so after a while she learned to keep them to herself. She tried to minimize them, (“This is not that important”) or rationalize them (“He really didn’t mean that”). Years of minimizing her own pain and trying to hold it in turned into depression for Jane. She wasn’t just disappointed. She was really, really angry.… View Full Article → “Minimalization: How We Accept the Unacceptable”

Divorce Time Out: Take Your Emotional Pulse

Is Checking Your Emotional Pulse The Key To Dealing With Divorce?

“I am in the divorce process up to my elbows. I have paperwork for my lawyer, deadlines for my job, parent conferences for my kids, friends coming for dinner. I have a birthday party to plan, a lawn to mow, a dog with fleas. I haven’t slept more than five hours a night for months. My grey hairs are coming in with a vengeance and my skin is breaking out. Most of the food in my refrigerator looks like science experiments. I have no idea of world events, latest movies, or current songs. I have to get my kids to soccer practice, karate and guitar lessons. I have grocery shopping, vet appointments, orthodontics appointments, child therapy appointments, ob-gyn appointments. I have appointments with my lawyer, my accountant, my therapist. I have appointments with my children’s lawyers and therapists. I even have an appointment to sit down and talk with my soon to be ex- husband about vacation schedules!… View Full Article → “Divorce Time Out: Take Your Emotional Pulse”

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