Publisher’s Note I attended an excellent seminar yesterday presented by the International Academy of Collaborative Professions (IACP) of which I am a member. It focused in part on the differences between traditional marriage counseling and discernment counseling. It was very enlightening and prompted me to repost this article of mine from June 15, 2024. This article explains discernment counseling vs marriage counseling and helps couples understand which option fits their situation.
I HAVE AN ASK – IF YOU ARE AWARE OF ANY DAYTON AREA PROFESSIONALS OFFERING DISCERNMENT COUNSELING, PLEASE LET ME KNOW FOR A FOLLOW-UP POST!
What Is Discernment Counseling vs Marriage Counseling?
When a couple is having marital problems, counseling is often one of the first steps they take. However, if you are one of those couples with a “mixed agenda”, meaning one partner is leaning towards wanting a divorce while the other is wishing to stay married, then discernment counseling might be a route to try. For those not familiar with it, discernment counseling is a type of couples therapy for those who need guidance to see whether or not to terminate the marriage.
It is designed to help a couple examine their options and help them to figure out the best path to continue, whether it be separation, reconciliation, or a divorce. It helps a couple to develop both clarity and perspective about whether divorce is right before actually going down that road.
Dr. William Doherty, a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, pioneered the discernment counseling model in 2008. He worked closely with a group of divorce lawyers and a family court judge to better understand the dynamics of divorce. Doherty was working with couples who needed to reach a common space when one partner was thinking divorce or separation was the way to go, and one was leaning towards making things work. The group of attorneys Doherty partnered with felt that a good number of their clients were in need of this option and would be willing to try it before filing for divorce.
How Does Discernment Counseling differ from Marriage Counseling?
Discernment counseling for couples considering divorce differs from traditional therapy in that it is a short term highly focused type of counseling. When evaluating discernment counseling vs marriage counseling, the key difference is the goal. The goal is helping individuals decide whether to stay together or separate. It does NOT aim to improve the relationship itself.
It generally lasts from one to five sessions and involves an extensive evaluation and very in-depth conversations as to whether or not to pursue divorce. A counselor, who is typically a marriage and family therapist, will work with the couple to evaluate their relationship. The counselor obviously plays a vital role and provides a supportive, neutral environment so that the two partners can feel free to have an open discussion of their fears, concerns and hopes for the future.
The First Steps
Discernment counseling uses several techniques to help a couple gain clarity about their marriage. The first step is when the therapist meets with each partner individually to have a conversation. The purpose of these individual conversations is to help each person understand their role in why the marriage is suffering.
In a nutshell, its purpose is to help each individual understand and evaluate their individual wants/needs and not designed to encourage them to make “stretches” to help meet the desires of their spouse.
How Discernment Counseling for Couples Considering Divorce Works
This kind of counseling is short term. The parties only commit for 1 session at a time and as mentioned above, discernment counseling typically doesn’t last more than 5 sessions. At the end, each individual should be less ambivalent and better able to decide if he/she should stay or go. If the couple decides divorce is the best option, the counselor can help develop a plan as to how the two partners are going to cooperate during the divorce or dissolution process, and to help them prioritize their issues. If they decide to work on the marriage, the therapist can refer them to a traditional marriage counselor or possibly help them focus on the changes they each need to make their marriage work.
Discernment counseling for couples considering divorce can prove very beneficial for couples to reach an agreement when they are on opposite ends of saving the marriage or not or simply conflicted or ambivalent. It provides an open forum for discussion and helps each partner to see how they are or are not positively contributing to the relationship. If individuals decide that divorce is the best option, this counseling can be beneficial for a foundation to establish a healthy co-parenting plan as well as when entering into a new relationship.
Finding a Therapist for Discernment Counseling for Couples Considering Divorce
There are times discernment counseling is not appropriate. In cases of domestic violence, child abuse, or suicidal thoughts by one partner, safety becomes the highest of priorities and demands a higher level of care. For discernment counseling to be appropriate, both parties need to engage in the process with an open mind.
There are many excellent resources available online to learn more about this form of counseling. Click here to learn more about the benefits of discernment counseling.
ARE THERE ANY STATISTICS ABOUT THE OUTCOMES AFTER DISCERNMENT COUNSELING?
As with all statistics, they need to be taken with a grain of salt. But I did see some statistics that seem to indicate that about 60% of the couples who enter into discernment counseling decide to terminate their marriage. Afterwards, 40% generally enter into a plan for around a 6 month period to make an all-out-effort to rehabilitate their relationship. Typically, they develop a plan to: discontinue talking about divorcing, treat each other with respect, and work in therapy as a couple and individually to determine whether the relationship can improve. Click here if you want to learn more about discernment counseling including the above statistics.
If you think discernment counseling for couples considering divorce is right for you, search for a good marriage and family therapist who offers discernment counseling. Unfortunately, I am not aware of many discernment counselors in the Dayton area. That is why in my publisher’s note above I asked readers for input. I hope to post a follow-up article to this shortly with some more resources and discernment counselors to consider.
If you’re considering counseling, our team at MuesLaw can help you explore the best path forward
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Attorney Robert “Chip” Mues has been focusing his legal practice throughout Southwest Ohio primarily in divorce and family law matters since 1978. Chip is passionate about family law and has proudly published the Ohio Family Law Blog since 2007. In addition, he previously managed the Dayton law firm of Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues LPA until it dissolved on December 31, 2024. He founded MUESLAW in 2025. To learn more about him or MUESLAW, visit www.MuesLaw.com. Appointments are available in person, over the phone or by Zoom. Call us at 937 293-2141. He can be contacted by email at chip@mueslaw.com.
